


What If (The Daydreams And Nightmares Of A Paranoid Kingsman)

by TheAlphaFox



Series: Kingsmen AU- The Lovelorn Misadventures Of Guinevere (OC) and Galahad [2]
Category: Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: Arthur Can't Be Trusted, Character Death In Dream, Daydreaming, Death Wish, Eggsy Cares, Even Merlin Cares, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Fix-It, Harry Hart May Or May Not Be Dead, Implied/Referenced Suicide, POV Original Character, Promises, Roxy Cares Too, Sad With A Happy Ending (Maybe), Sad with a Happy Ending, Suicide, Suicide Notes, True Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-26
Updated: 2016-01-08
Packaged: 2018-04-23 13:18:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4878358
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAlphaFox/pseuds/TheAlphaFox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is an ever-so-slightly misplaced fic concerning Galahad and Guinevere (my OC). I've updated it so that it does fit the plot of What Happens When Kingsmen Fall In Love, so it should follow on pretty well. There will be other stories following Guinevere and Galahad in this collection in the near future, when I've finished WHWKFIL (that is not a catchy acronym!)...</p><p>Basically, this is what Chloe feared would happen, and the worst case scenarios that she envisages even after Harry returns from the church.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What If It Had Been Different (Our Last Goodbye)

**Author's Note:**

> Hey, cubs! So, this is a bit dark for me, but I couldn't resist- and this will be updated, so stay tuned! 
> 
> PLEASE NOTE THIS CONTAINS A LOT OF MENTIONS AND REFERENCES TO SUICIDE, BUT NOT THE ACTUAL SUICIDE ITSELF.
> 
> I'd hate for you to be upset or triggered, cubs, so if that is something that gets you, this one won't be for you. I promise I'll post some fluffier stuff next time for you to enjoy :)
> 
> The rest of you, please read on! 
> 
> PSSSSST: This many-chaptered fic does not have a depressing ending. Spoiler alert x

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As difficult as it is, sometimes I can't help but dream about what might have happened if Harry hadn't been wearing those glasses, if Merlin hadn't saved his life. I don't know why but some nights, I sleep and these nightmares find me.
> 
> I've planned it all in my head. What I would do, where I would go, the things I would say to him.
> 
> Particularly, the way I would say goodbye.

My dearest Galahad,

So this is how it ends. You in a morgue in Kentucky and myself off to Siberia for what is quite possibly a suicide mission. And it's solo, after everything. Maybe that's good, though... I won't have to worry about keeping someone else alive. If I couldn't manage it with you, I won't make that mistake again. The people I care about can take care of themselves, I won't make myself responsible for their lives. I can't.

I must admit, when Arthur told me about this new mission, explained the logistics and the layers of deep cover required, I was dubious. But... I've got nothing left to stay for now. Eggsy's too young, Roxy isn't stable enough, Percival's got a new girlfriend and the rest of them are just not qualified enough to go and take down an entire arms gang alone. There's nobody but me who can do this and nobody but me who can die for it without leaving something behind.

Oh, Harry, why did you get yourself killed like that? I keep remembering the last conversation we had, when I told you I loved you and you replied "I leave my heart in your capable hands for now. Keep it safe for me until I return."

I'll be keeping it safe for a long time now.

I'll be forever angry, I think. Angry with Valentine for killing you- oh, Harry, I swear he's got all kinds of hell coming his way, and I'll make his death as slow and painful as I can. He'll scream for mercy by the end and I certainly won't show him any.

Angry with Eggsy, because he's the one dispatched to 'avenge' you, whilst I'm here planning my Siberian downfall. If he kills Valentine before I get the chance... it'll be the most difficult thing in the world, after saying goodbye to you of course, but I'll make my peace with it. He loved you, his father figure, I suppose he had a claim on Valentine's life too.

Angry with Merlin, because with all his tech and his foresight and his planning, he should have saved you. 

Then again, I screamed and screamed for hours after I watched you die on that monitor, I screamed until my voice gave up and Eggsy had to rock me for however long until I stopped, and I still couldn't bring you back. So why should he?

You were mine, Harry, the only thing I really cared about. I didn't fight to go to Kentucky with you because you promised me you could handle it, I didn't keep you under much surveillance because I wanted to show you I trusted you, I didn't make you call me when you landed because I thought you'd be busy.

Why didn't I make you call me?

I saw you die, Harry, I know I mentioned that earlier. I had a laptop open in my office, just down the corridor from yours, and I could hear Eggsy's shout at the same time I started screaming. Because in that split second, you were gone, and I could do nothing. I was powerless. And I hated it. I couldn't even hold you as you died and tell you I was sorry, because you were so many miles away, and I was just sitting there, willing you to sit up. You never sat up, Harry- were you too tired to fight anymore?

Oh, we both knew that the world was against us from the start. When we met, I was 20, a brand new Kingsman agent who beat the records you set in your own initiations, and you were 46, the experienced patriarch who made everyone else sit up and take notice. 

Now I'm a widowed girlfriend at 25 and you'd be 51, if you weren't dead. People sneered at the age gap, thought we were incompatible, but we knew better. I loved you so much, the way you made me tea in the morning and called me beautiful and straightened my tie all the time because you couldn't abide it being crooked. And I did my best to make you as happy as you made me. 

I think I did, after everything. I hope I did. I wish I'd had a chance to marry you before all this. I suppose I'll see you on the other side.

So this is it, Harry. This is what people do, isn't it? Leave a note. You won't ever read this, because you're dead. And in a few months, I will be too.

I have to infiltrate an arms gang and take it down from the inside. The cover is fragile at best and I know full well I'll be found out and killed. That's why I'm taking it- I hope Merlin never finds that out because then he'll MAKE me go to those counselling sessions he suggested. As if I didn't already know that I was cracking up. 

I don't particularly want to die, I don't hate life. Please don't get that idea, Harry, it's not that I'm living badly. 

It's just that you're not here anymore, and I don't want any of this without you. It means nothing now, any of it. 

I've made preparations, it's well thought through. Eggsy will inherit everything either of us had- he deserves it- and all of our stupid family money can keep his mum out of trouble and his sister in a decent school. I think that's the best thing my bloodline's legacy has done to date. 

Merlin will no doubt witness my death, the same way I watched yours, but I recently changed my In Case Of Death statement in the system so it's all going to be okay. They'll find it soon enough, the note I left on the mainframe- the one telling them I want to be with you. I don't care where, as long as I can hold you again. By the time Merlin and Arthur read it, realise what I'm doing, I'll have a deep cover in Siberia and they won't be able to do anything about it.

This is it, Harry, my darling. I'm coming to see you soon. Though... I'll try and finish this mission first, get as far in as possible. I think I owe you that at least.

One last thing, a final puzzle, a test I don't quite comprehend. You told me not to trust Arthur before you went to Kentucky, a quick aside that I still don't understand. It's making me wary- however, I have no choice. 

I have to go, so I'll do my best from afar. I'll keep an eye on them all, as best I can from Siberia- and if I have to, Harry, if I really have to, I'll come back. But I swear I'll see you soon, even if I do.

Save me a seat, my Harry. I'm bringing your heart back safely to you. I hope you've still got mine.

All my love, and every breath I take,

Guinevere


	2. What If There Was A Warning (Let Him Know)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eggsy and I have been friends for a long time now, ever since Eggsy joined the Kingsmen. He may not have an official rank (yet) but he wouldn't need one to know that something was seriously wrong with me. I sometimes wonder what he would have done, what he would have said, how he would have reacted if the church massacre had gone a different way.
> 
> Some nights, I find myself dreaming about how he would tell Harry that I wasn't going to keep my promise.

'Arry,

First of all, you're a dick'ead. And I can call ya that because you're dead, and I'm fuckin' mad about it, so I will forget as much as I feel like- and right now, it's everythin'. 

Second of all, I'm real worried 'bout Chloe. 

She's barely eatin', barely sleepin'- I mean, Christ, she's always been a machine but this ain't right. She misses ya so much that she's self-destructin' and I ain't gonna be able to stop 'er once she gets goin'. She's taken the Siberia mission, for starters, though any moron could see that is gonna end badly. And the worst part, 'Arry, is that I think that's what she wants.

She won't tell me anythin' about it, says it's all confidential, but that bullshit ain't never stopped 'er tellin' me everythin' before. Nah, she's hidin' somethin', and I reckon you'll be the only person she tells. 

I catch 'er talkin' to ya all the time, ya know, she thinks I ain't noticed. But there's this gapin' 'ole, 'Arry, you left it behind and now it's startin' to fray around the edges.

I know ya won't ever read this- that bastard Valentine made sure of that- but I'm the one who's got assigned to take 'im down, so don't worry, I'll kill 'im in a way befittin' your murderer. Slow as fuck and twice as painful. I reckon Chloe's pissed about me bein' the one to go but she's got Siberia now and it don't matter who sticks a bullet in 'im, long as 'e dies.

All I'm really tryin' to say, 'Arry, is that I'm gonna take care of 'er, since ya ain't around to do it yourself. I won't let 'er down. And... I miss ya. I wish I'd been able to save ya. 

I'm sorry it was you and not me. But like my old man always said, it ain't what time you've been given, it's what ya do with it that matters. And I'll make the lot matter.

'Ope you've found peace, whenever ya are. And if you see my Dad... Tell him Eggsy said hi.

Miss ya, Galahad. Things ain't the same without ya.

Love and all that bollocks,

Eggsy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked that, cubs! Leave a comment and a kudos to let me know you enjoyed it and I'll keep updated when I can <3


	3. What If There Was A Recall (Enough Is Enough)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, the nightmares are kinder to me, and I live through a nightly scenario where I am tricked into mourning for Harry. And it's become more frequent now, my mind subconsciously tacking that ending onto my dreams. It would happen, I think- Harry would be the one to fake his death for some cause or another, of course he would, and then come riding in at the last minute to save the day.
> 
> My knight in shining armour.

To: Galahad  
From:Merlin

Enough is enough. 

Eggsy is constantly on edge, his stats have gone down considerably, and he's too tense to do any good in the field. Yesterday he almost got himself decapitated by a French assassin simply because he saw someone wearing "glasses like 'Arry" in the market place as he was fighting. 

And then there is Roxy, she's always been jittery but now she seems to have lost all confidence in herself. It's like she's decided that if the great Harry Hart can get shot as easily as this, she has no chance. I don't like seeing her like this, Harry. 

Percival's become a moody shit, for want of a better term. You just can't talk to him anymore, he's always brooding and staring off into space, and when he's actually speaking he's snapping and biting people's heads off. Ridiculous.

Arthur seems to be hiding something, too. I don't know what it is and it's not my place to ask, but I feel like there's something brewing here at Kingsman: I don't like it, Harry. You were- are- the only one to fix it. Chloe probably could, but she won't without you.

But the main reason I am contacting you like this, breaking the silence, is that Chloe is off to Siberia tomorrow on a solo mission to break up the Frozen Lily gang, and she's going to have her cover blown in less than 6 months. She's only going at all because she thinks you're dead- and I believe she hopes I don't notice the obvious depression she's found herself in. She's in bits, a shell of her former self, and unless you get back soon, you'll be too late. Harry, Chloe is going to die. 

If nothing else, I know that you love her. Please, shake off whatever you're doing that requires silence from HQ, get your arse in gear and get back to London before Monday. Once she gets on that plane, Harry, it'll be too late. You have 3 days.

Hurry home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please comment with what you thought and I'll be sure to update soon.
> 
> Love you all: stay safe, cubs! <3


	4. What If He Made First Contact (No Words)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What would he say, I wonder? How would he stop me?
> 
> How would he come rushing back in to make it all okay?
> 
> This is the only way I ever manage to focus anymore, the ending I try to conjure when I wake up in the night, in order to shake away the dreams. It's never easy.

Galahad: Chloe, I know that this is utterly ridiculous, and that this message is totally inadequate, but you have to believe me. I am not dead, I am delayed in Heathrow airport and I will be at Kingsman HQ in the next two hours. Please do not get on that plane. Siberia will claim you, and I don't want to lose you. I love you.  
Guinevere: If this is really you, if this isn't some sick joke or the product of wishful thinking, what is my favourite season and why?  
Galahad: Autumn. You like the trees when they shed their leaves and start again from the bare minimum to become beautiful again. You also love the going out in the autumn rains without a coat, we went for a run once around HQ, in a downpour, because it made you happy. Chloe, please.  
Guinevere: My god  
Galahad: Please do not get on that plane. Promise me.  
Guinevere: You have my word. But... Shit, Harry...  
Galahad: I know there's probably a lot you want to say to me, but we can talk face to face when I arrive, if that's what you want.  
Guinevere: You are an absolute wanker.  
Galahad: I know. I'll see you soon.  
Guinevere: Harry?  
Galahad: Hmm?  
Guinevere: Thank you for not being dead. It's going to take me a long time to forgive this, but I will. I love you.  
Galahad: I love you too. Speak soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked that, cubs! It's a short one, I know, but I'll update again soon :)
> 
> Love you all x


	5. What If I Just Focused On The Present (Maybe We'd Both Sleep Better)

"Chloe. Chloe!" 

I gasp, sitting bolt upright, my heart pounding at the sound of the gun firing in my nightmare. The bedsheets pool around my waist, the old shirt I am wearing is crumpled as if I've been tossing and turning all night. 

"Chloe?" Harry says softly from my left side, reaching out for me. I give a soft, shaking sigh and lose my hands in his gentle but firm grip. His skin, as always, feels very warm to me. "You're freezing." he comments concernedly, looking me up and down as if searching for an injury. I take a mental note of my damp hair, tense muscles and the tremors shooting through my limbs, and come to the same conclusion Harry seems to.

"You were having another nightmare?" he asks, frowning. "You were screaming, I thought you were in some kind of pain."   
"Yeah..." My voice trails off lamely. I don't know how I could make him understand how terrifying these dreams can be, how real they seem. I was in pain, but not the kind he thought of. The emotional kind. The I-haven't-slept-properly-this-week kind. 

"I wish I could make them stop for you." he says, squeezing my hands gently in his. The slightly rough pads of his fingers graze against my knuckles with the delicacy of someone who can diffuse bombs before breakfast.

I take a few deep breaths, aligning myself with the steady rise and fall of his chest beneath his pinstriped pyjamas. He exaggerates his breathing to help me and for a moment we are silent, just focusing on the movement of each other's lungs. 

"Are you tired?" he asks eventually, when I am breathing normally again. I nod, and stifle a yawn. "Yes, but I won't sleep properly. I can't."  
"Do the dreams return?" I just nod, not trusting myself to answer. I can't hide it anymore. "Oh, Chloe," Harry says, his face open and sad. "What are you so afraid of?"

"You being shot." I admit, looking down at the quilt. "I keep seeing it, reliving that moment. I have to watch you sleep sometimes, when I wake up, to check you're still breathing."  
He looks utterly shocked. "Why didn't you tell me?"  
"I didn't want to worry you..."

"Chloe." Harry's tone is strong, leaving no room for argument. I look deep into his soft brown eyes and immediately decide that this moment is what I need to be dreaming about. "Promise me you'll tell me everything. I hate to think of you suffering alone." His expression is so genuinely upset that I give him my word instantly. "I swear it."

"Now. Come here." He leans back against his pillows and reaches out an arm so I can cuddle into his side, content with the warmth of his body. "Put your head here." he commands, tapping his chest. I do so, and am met with the steady thudding of his heart, and the softness of cotton on my cheek. "Can you hear it?"  
"Yes." I whisper, the sound soothing and repetitive. 

"That sound means that I am alive, and that sound belongs to you." he swears, a soft passion in his tone. "I love you, Chloe. I'm going nowhere without you." His lips press against my hairline, making me think of the new scar on his own. It's quite small and fading fast, but he'll always have the reminder of V-Day.

Surely, if his scar is a reminder, my dreams don't need to be. "I love you too, Harry." I whisper, my eyelids growing heavy. "I love you too."

With the sound of his heart echoing through my head, I fall asleep to the constant beat. For the first time in two months, I sleep all the way through the rest of the night. 

It's like a comfort blanket on a cold day. He promised me. If there's one thing I know about my Harry it's that he keeps his promises. He's going nowhere soon.

More importantly, neither am I.


End file.
